Totally Random Naruto Humor
by Awaysky Gray
Summary: Anyways . . . Just a bunch of humorous randomness I'll compile as the days go on and the stories add up. Please R&R, unless you don't want to, which doesn't matter to me. I'll just run and cry.
1. Buns in the Boys' Room

Buns in the Boys' Room

"No, Sasuke is definitely the best."

". . . Did you hear what Iruka said about . . ."

"Oh, see? That looks like fun! Let's go, please!"

The little clique of girls paraded through the park, enjoying a politely screwed up conversation about who-knows-what (which was often the topic they favored these days). Feeling a bit weary from their walk through this amusement spot, the girls sat on a bench near the restrooms, and began chattering more and more.

". . . yeah, it's a new haircut! Doesn't it just shine?"

"Really? I didn't think he'd go so far as to wear that!"

Tenten and Hinata, sitting quietly, listened to Ino and Sakura's pointless jabbering. Were the two even on the same subject? Or were they just answering questions that didn't even relate to the subject in order to change the subject? Or . . . oh, whatever. No one was even paying attention. They were just a couple of dumb, 12-year-old girls, and we all know how that goes. Whoever listened in anyway obviously had no life.

Pretty soon, they got on the subject of Niagara Falls (and whoever knew how that came up had no life, either). Such speech actually found meaning in Tenten's ears. Soon, she became anxious, realizing how much of her strawberry super slurp she'd had only an hour ago, and it was all coming back to her now.

"Girls, I needa go." Squirming, she bounced around on the bench. Ino and Sakura just blabbed on. Perhaps in the midst of their conversation and flailing hands (as a result of body language, I guess), Sakura waved her off to okay the action, but Tenten didn't even care whether or not they cared! She had to use the ladies' room, and she had to use it NOW! So up she hopped, dancing away in an odd fashion that sparked new conversation between the two chattering dumb girls.

"I hear that Tenten's got a secret crush . . ."

"Really? That dance WAS a bit odd . . ."

Did this new conversation even make any more sense that the last and all those preceding it? Probably not. Who knows . . . but it meant something for our little, sweet Hinata. Inside her grew the same urge that inspired Tenten to create this little "dance". Hinata, however, didn't want to make too big of a show of it, but then again, that cherry super slurp was all coming back to her, too. She sort of jumped up, crossing her legs and squirming every bit as much as dear little Tenten did earlier.

"Hey, uh . . . girls . . . I, uh . . . I'm going with Tenten—" seeing that worming her way into their "girl talk" wasn't possible, she took off—well, not really running, but . . . you could tell she was struggling, okay?

"What—where are Hinata and Tenten going?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe it was those super slurps they had . . ."

A historical moment. Too bad there were no witnesses.

Anyway.

Hinata looked for a sign of Tenten among the throng of people seeking cheap entertainment in this expensive park. She was nowhere to be seen, but with a little help of her Byaakugan (is that how it's spelled?), she spotted two brown hairbuns floating through the crowd. Hinata was saved! Her beacon was spotted! She weakly smiled as she squirmed her way through the crowd. Everywhere she seemed to go, someone was taunting her need to rid herself of the cherry _mistake_ she'd had earlier.

"How'd you like the rapids! Such a RUSH of exhilaration!"

"Mmmm . . . DRINKING FOUNTAIN by the BATHROOM!!"

And in there somewhere, she could have sworn there was a random, "Hey! How about a nice, big, 72 ounce CHERRY SUPER MISTAKE!" with an ensuing evil laugh.

I'm gonna lose it! she thought. And within seconds, she saw the two hairbuns walk into a restroom. A gleeful moment! What joy! Hinata was saved! She smiled sweetly and desperately made a mad dash to follow Tenten into the bathroom.

Which helped NO ONE at all, except for the reading audience.

"Tenten, wait up!" Though there's an exclamation point there, we all know she's not very loud at all. Anyway, in a last leap of faith, she sailed through the door, almost feeling relieved of this pressure. "Tenten, I . . ."

The horror! The pain! The complete . . . OPPOSITE of what she was expecting! She looked around and panicked as she noticed that people _stood_ all along the wall taking care of their business!

Oh, no! Where did something go wrong? Where's Tenten?! IN another rush of utter fright, she saw two brown hairbuns, and _he_ was talking casually with the _guy_ standing next to him! How utterly vomiticious—which even isn't a word, but it was that bad.

Uh . . . oh . . . But the worst wasn't over. No, more torment awaited her at the sight of . . .

Oh, disgusting. It was ASUMA!!

But, wait . . . he stood in front of a mirror playing happily with his beard! Toying with the coarse hair on his face! He smiled cheesily as he separated it into halves and secured them with his fingers.

"What if I did this? Wouldn't that be so cute! Maybe I'll even use cute little red ribbons to tie them . . ." EWW!! HOW GROSS!!

"No, Asuma, you've totally gotta let that go. I liked the other idea better." Gai also smiled cheesily as he fixed his hair in the mirror.

Deep inside, Hinata always knew something was seriously wrong with these two. Something fairly . . . _disturbing._

"Oh, like this?" Asuma styled his beard again. "You're right. This is better, I agr—" He paused, eyes growing to the size of baseballs as he observed the innocent little Hinata gaping in horror at the most disturbing sight ever beheld by . . . well, Hinata for sure, but probably by all Konoha! Maybe even by all the Fire Nation! Maybe—

And she fainted. I mean . . . wouldn't you?

Anyways.

It was a little weird to see all those guys rushing out of the bathroom all of a sudden, especially since they were all screaming as if they should have been charging out of the ladies' room. Sakura and Ino stopped their gibberish for a moment to at least think about what happened. What a miracle. It was around that time that Tenten came skipping merrily toward the girls, her arms swinging to and fro (the way happy little girls do), and on her face she wore a bright and beaming smile that said, "I FEEL BETTER!!!" She was obviously relieved. "Hey girls!" Her exhilarated tune died away as she realized their asset named Hinata was missing. "Uh, where'd Hinata go guys?"

"I dunno. I thought she went with you."

Silence (except for the screaming men and boys). It finally hit the girls that maybe . . . oh no! They all suddenly slapped on the grossed-out baseball-eyed face as slowly they turned to the mob of screeching girly men (apparently this bathroom was really huge due to the number of guys running out. I mean, sometimes bathrooms in amusement parks can be huge! Or maybe they were just all crowded in there. I dunno).

Of course, none of them _wanted_ to go help Hinata out, but when duty calls . . . and in this case, in more than one way. Tenten flipped her head heroically, shouting," I must go help her!" and ran like the wind into the storming men to save her poor, unfortunate friend.

And it wasn't too gorgeous, we'll put it that way! The whole way, she was fighting this siege like an onset illness of girly men! I'll never make it, she screamed inside. Just as all hope was dissipating into the inane nothingness, she saw . . . Asuma! He carried a limp Hinata in his trembling arms. On his face he held a quivering mouth and moistened eyes . . . what was going on?! Was she alright? "Hinata-chan!" she cried in desperation.

Tenten made a mad dash to Asuma and Hinata as he gently placed her on the ground. He was still on the verge of bursting into big, feminine tears, but he handled it fairly bravely. "She . . . she . . ."

Before he could continue, Gai ran out of the bathroom screaming. Which was really random, because everyone else was far away from the bathroom by now. What was he doing in there all alone? Well, whatever it was didn't matter, because his shrill scream had given Hinata a shake and she opened her eyes.

"Tenten . . ." she started. "I . . ." Instantaneously, as if triggered by the horrendous memory of men and their beards and how they talk to each other while taking care of business, she gasped, jumped up and scurried off to the ladies' room panicking. How random.

"Asuma-san, what happened?" Tenten asked, thinking he'd never get an answer out through his ridiculous sobs, but he _was_ at least trying to talk.

"She . . . she saw . . . everything . . ." and, like a puppy, he tucked tail and ran from the crime scene.

Ew. What was "everything"? Tenten fought to remove the disturbing suggestions from her mind, yet still pitied the poor little girl for what had just happened.

Poor Hinata. Would they ever realize the true terror she'd so unfortunately encountered? Tenten had an idea that didn't even compare in gore to what had really happened.

Moral of the Story: guys can wear hairbuns and have their beard in bows, too! But that doesn't mean it's right . . .


	2. In His Hair

**Got the idea for this one because it happened to Steve once . . . well, kinda. He just got a bad barber.**

**By the way, I don't own Naruto or anything pertaining. Kishimoto does.**

_In His Hair_

"Welcome back, young master, have a seat." The barber known as Jona worked furiously to finish his previous haircut as Sasuke walked through the door and sat in the waiting chairs. "How have you been there, kid?"

"Aw, just the same," he replied, sounding as unhappy as ever. Knowing he wouldn't care to return the favor of courtesy, Jona went on about himself.

"Yeah, I've been really busy today . . . haven't seemed to get myself straightened out, so be careful if I decide to shave your head." A joke, of course, but then again, Sasuke never listened anyway. Only thumbed through the magazines, particularly this weeks edition of "N" magazine ("N" for "Nin" magazine), looking at what disgusting apparel they might be sporting this week, and then to the special section where a ninja (or group of them) would appear every month and talk about themselves. This month, he turned to examine the sharp, yet unrefined, features of none other than the Beautiful Beast, Rock Lee. Sasuke jumped in surprise.

"I can't belief they put that _oaf_ in "N" magazine! He's so . . . _ugly_ . . . and weird, and crazy, and full of himself, and he's just such a—"

"Aw, Sasuke, come; be nice. We don't need to be so upset, or jealous, or whatever . . ." Of course Sasuke was spearing Rock Lee—he had the habit of doing so every week. Jona gave a smile and uneasy chuckle to the boyishly evil darts that Sasuke seemed to throw weekly. Why so frustrated? Why was he such a rude kid?

"He's a _freak_."

It really annoyed Jona to continually hear all these rude comments from Sasuke about another boy that he was probably really _jealous_ of; so in that evil little mind he possessed, he agreed to allow Sasuke a lesson on being "a freak." Just this once, though, he told himself. I can get pretty evil with the scissors, but I'd rather keep my job than have a few good laughs once in a while. "Alright, Uchiha, come have a seat."

Looking morally constipated, Sasuke walked over to the chair in which had only previously sat a familiar face—one of Naruto's little academy friends, who was now leaving with his mom. Jona brushed it off and turned it toward Sasuke, allowing him easier passage into it. He sat down with a still grumpy face and allowed Jona to put the cover around his shoulders for him. He was ready; justice would be served hot and fresh today.

"The usual, Uchiha?"

A scowl. "What do you think?" This would be fun. The barber, with a certain mischievous gleam in his eye, raised the scissors and, turning Sasuke away from the mirror, began to cut.

_Snip, snip, snip._

"So, tell me," Jona questioned with fake intentions, smiling behind the guilt he would soon have to live with. "How's the training going?"

"Fine, but listen to this." Sasuke, with his agitated tone of voice, outwardly told the barber to go ahead and serve him the justice he so deliciously deserved. _Snip, snip, snip._ "So, that funny-lookin' freak comes up to our team the other day while we were training, and he's all like, 'Uchiha,' and I say, 'What?' and he says, 'It was nice to be able to test my skills against you the other day. Thanks,' and I'm all suspicious, you know, and I was wondering what the heck he was talking about, because we didn't fight or anything, so I'm thinking he probably put something nasty in my drink or something and he's laughing right now because I had some—well, _problems_ the other day and he thinks that's funny. That kid's such a freak."

_Snip, snip, snip._

"He and his freaky-lookin' teacher."

_Snip, snip, snip._

"They shouldn't have been born, they're so freaky. They probably give people nightmares if they walk by—I mean, they're so funny-lookin'."

_Snip, snip._ Old Jona was doing a lot of cutting this time, but . . . Sasuke didn't care to ask; he was sure the old man knew what he was doing.

"So, let me ask: how would _you_ feel if _you_ were Lee and _you_ got constantly made fun of for how you looked?"

He snorted. "I'd kill myself, save everyone the pain of looking at me and my fruity haircut." Oh, how ironic the retort. For the endurance of the next few minutes, there wasn't much talking, only Jona kindly scolding Sasuke not to judge people because of their "fruity haircut" or huge eyebrows. Sasuke only regarded it all as a defense; Lee had probably paid him to do so, he decided, and this guy was just trying to hold up his end of the deal.

"Alright, Sasuke, I think you're done," Jona finally smiled, putting the finishing touches on Sasuke's lovely new haircut. "I hope you like it and appreciate the results it gives you and the comments from other people."

What? In a sudden thrill of horror, Sasuke turned and beheld his now "fruity" haircut. Now he looked a lot more like Rock Lee and, much to Jona's delight, this kid _loved_ it. Oh, how evil, yet how deserving. Sasuke stared in undiluted horror as his reflection indicated his now stunning resemblance to Rock Lee, his own worst enemy.

"What—why did you do this to me?!!" Sasuke was shouting and throwing a pretty nasty tantrum like a little boy. Jona only laughed, pretending to be sorry.

"Oh, sorry Sasuke! It, uh, must have been a Freudian slip or something—I mean, we _did_ keep talking about Lee a lot, and I must have thought you were him from above. Your hair is almost the same color, you know—" Between laughs, he continued on with how he seriously thought Sasuke was his own opposite image.

"Oh, Jona!!! I'm gonna kill you!" More laughing pierced the air and entered Sasuke's ears, allowing him a lesson he'd probably never forget.

"Not if you make it out her alive, sonny. How are you_ ever_ going to live through all the taunting and torment on your way home?" Very good point. Sasuke found himself between a rock and another rock—and he was wearing Rock Lee's hair. He was so frustrated, he almost cried. Not like Jona's laughing didn't help, but as the upset kid he'd just taught a lesson was about to speak, Jona had to throw in another comment: "Hey, I'm pretty satisfied, so don't worry about paying, buddy."

Sasuke, about to boil over, stormed outside. If I'm lucky, I can get home before anyone thinks I'm trying to be a freak—then I can try to do something with my hair! Stupid Jona . . . he'll pay for this—

"Hey, is that Lee?" called a strangely familiar voice. Oh no. A mortified glance over revealed Sakura and Ino a ways off, pointing and waving.

I have to get away! My reputation is ruined!

"Hey, Lee! Come here, I need to ask you a question about your . . . choice of clothing? Hey, what's going on?" Sakura, apparently very confused, was aware that she was yelling at Lee until she realized a very familiar insignia on the back of his shirt: the fan of the Uchiha family. Extremely surprised, her face instantly created the face (the one that Kishimoto should be known for—you know, the one where their teeth look really huge and their eyes are blank and the size of baseballs. I love that face!) that indicated she was severely agitated. Ino questioned her friend's look by her own inquisitive face, and was surprised to hear Sakura's reply: "It's not Lee wearing a new outfit—it's Sasuke wearing a new haircut!"

Ino, also surprised, changed her face to match Ino's. This was ludicrous!

_Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-nee-whey . . ._

"Okay, if I just stay here at home until my hair grows out, I'll be okay! I'll be okay!!" Sasuke was uselessly trying to console his unsuccessful efforts at trying to slip past the town unnoticed, when in real life, he was probably seen by about everyone in his graduating class and a few of the jounin. Wouldn't it be murderous if Gai or Lee saw me like this! Thank heaven I slipped by unnoticed!

Somewhat successful in his efforts to ease the stress, he collapsed on his bed. I can't stay in here forever. I'm supposed to become strong enough to get revenge on my brother Itachi! I can't let some dorky haircut get in the way!

_Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-nee-whey . . ._

"Hey, what's wrong with . . . his _hair?_" Naruto, anxiously awaiting the moment when Sasuke would finally be close enough to be questioned about his "new look," questioned Sakura in an attempt to see if she knew anything about it. Sakura made "the face" again, yet refused to tell Naruto what she saw the other day. He'd only make the situation worse for poor Sasuke. "Hey, freak!" called Naruto. "What's up with your hair?"

Sasuke growled as he approached. I should just turn back, he thought. This is insane. I don't need to train. I'm too _good_ to train. And I am _not_ a freak! "Shut up, Naruto."

"Oh, Sasuke, let's be nice, shall we?"

He suddenly became startled with wide eyes, quietly begging, "Please don't say anything about my hair, please, oh please, oh please . . ." Slowly, his eyes moved up to the tree above and met the upside-down face of his teacher, standing upside-down on the limb of the tree. Would he say anything about the hair? Was he blind enough not to notice? I could blame it on the lighting, or a bad hair day, or a bad barber, or . . . my bad manners. No, I wouldn't do that! Impatiently, he waited further comment from Kakashi.

And then it came like a thousand steely knives to his heart and mind. "Nice haircut."

"Yeah!" called another as Sasuke was about to throw a huge tantrum. Looking over, he discovered the last thing he wanted to see: Rock Lee, accompanied by Tenten, Neji, and Gai—the fruitcake himself. "I like it!" He struck his "good guy" pose, and his teeth shone brilliantly.

The only way out of this is to throw a tantrum, said Sasuke's quick-thinking inner self. I can't let Lee think that I want to be like him or anything, so I _have_ to take desperate measures! And so he did, acting like a little boy and stomping around, throwing his fists around in the air and screaming through clenched teeth. "You don't think it was intentional, do you! How dare you be alive! How dare you make fun of me—it's your haircut! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be like this! You _fr—_

"No, Sasuke, you get the wrong idea," Lee said calmingly. "I like it! I didn't know you wanted to be _that_ much like me! That makes me feel happy!"

"Uh, Lee, I think you get the wrong idea," began Tenten, but Lee was now happily skipping away, walking—or hopping—a little taller than he was yesterday. Tenten followed, leaving Gai and Neji behind, staring at Sasuke. Gai smiled, patted Sasuke's head.

"Lee's really happy, I hope you know, but there's one thing he didn't tell you," the hairy man began, allowing time for Sasuke to hear Naruto and Kakashi laughing at these boyish follies of popularity and "who looks freakier than who."

"What is it?" the boy asked snottily. Gai smiled greatly.

"The haircut's great, but . . . you look like a _freak_." Neji's words stung like acid to Sasuke, and Gai tried, through hearty laughing, to get Neji to apologize. Neji refused, of course; he knew Sasuke deserved it.

But still, would he ever learn?


End file.
